Given that Bank of America is in the news for coming up with the latest method of screwing its own customers, we here at Splattastic thought this was a good time to dust off our little primer on how to go bank shopping (see below).

In case you missed it, Bank of America is one of the big banks that played a major roll in the real estate market crash that ended up erasing about half of most taxpayers’ home value. Then, the American taxpayers bailed out Bank of America to the tune of $25 billion (with a B), and Bank of America turned around and used a lot of that money to pay bonuses to big executives at the flailing Merrill Lynch, which Bank of America had just brilliantly decided to buy. Then, since Bank of America used up all the taxpayer money to pay executives for essentially less than nothing, they went crying to the government and us taxpayers were forced to give Bank of America billions and billions more, including guarantees on $118 billion (with a B) worth of crappy loans Bank of America made.

Fast forward to a few days ago, when Bank of America announces it’s going to start charging customers $5 a month for the privilege of using their debit cards. This predictably caused an instant outrage conflagration among consumers whose sore butts bear painful reminders of past bank gouging.

Well, good old Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan decided enough was enough, so yesterday he publicly admonished the outraged peasantry, reminding them that “we have a right to make a profit,” adding, “I have an inherent duty as a CEO of a publicly owned company to get a return for my shareholders.”

To which we would just add: Moynihan absolutely has a duty to his shareholders to operate Bank of America in a profitable manner. However, the shareholders and board directors ought to recognize that when a company treats its customers as a crop awaiting harvest, then negative consequences likely are on the horizon.

Moynihan et al probably will learn, as their counterparts at Netflix just did, that most customers have a duty to their families (or at least to themselves) to obtain essential services at the least possible cost unless other factors exist that make those services palatable at a higher rate.

Banks no longer provide any incentive for savings, hence the migration to mutual funds. Banks no longer are willing to make residential real estate loans because their portfolios are chocked full of foreclosures they haven’t yet admitted are bad assets – hence home buying in the United States has pretty much ground to a half. Now some of the big banks have even notified “customers” that they will institute fees if too much money is deposited in the bank’s coffers for it to reinvest.

Just exactly what services *do* banks provide for people these days?

Moynihan and other “bankers” might want to consider how they could be of service to their customers, instead of enacting schemes that, before very long at all, will end up driving the last of their retail customers away.

And as for Moynihan’s duty to his shareholders, the company’s stock dropped to around $5.50 per share the other day. Think the PR stemming from his latest move is going to turn the stock price around? Neither do we. Yet we digress.

Without further ado, then:

Shopping For A Better Bank
There still are banks that want your business, and even will treat you like a customer, so lets go find them. But be aware, you must continue to monitor the “services” and fees your bank charges you each month, because what starts out as a friendly merchant relationship can turn sour pretty quickly.

→ First, if your checking account is the center of your financial world (as it is mine), then call up the banks with branches around you, and find out where on their web sites they list the fees and services included in their checking accounts. (You want to find out their web site locations because you probably are going to want to try out their web sites, too. A good online banking experience is as important as a branch-office visit.)

→ Look for banks that offer no-fee checking, for starters, and pay attention to any minimum deposit requirements for “free” checking. It is not beyond reason to still, today, expect to find a bank that will give you a free basic checking account with either no minimum requirement or a very low ($200) one.

→ Ask for and obtain a list of fees the bank charges under various circumstances. Is there a fee for online banking? Why, when the bank frees up at least one employee while you’re conducting business on the web? Do they charge you money to use their own ATM network? Points off for that.

How do they handle overdrafts? Do they let you buy more with your debit card than your account has in it without notifying you that your account is overdrawn? Then, do they charge you $35 per overdraft transaction on your next statement? If so, tell them Splattastic says that’s a deal-breaker. (Note: since our primer first was written, new regulations have forced bankers to disclose their overdraft policies before forcing draconian measures upon you. But ask about those policies up front regardless).

→ Shop for a bank with free checking, free online banking, a fair measure of other free services, reasonable fees (compare fees between all local banks in your area) and overdraft protection that actually protects your money. You are better off having a grocer or restaurant employee tell you “I’m sorry, the transaction has been denied,” then you are finding out in three weeks that you had to pay $140 in overdraft fees because, unknowingly, one overdrawn transaction triggered another one.

→ Introduce yourself to the branch manager. Pay attention to how he or she treats you. Did they make a good impression on you? Do you like them?

→ One last thing. There’s no sense moving your money into a bank that is about to fail. That could suck in several inconvenient ways. So check out your front-running banks on Bankrate. You should hope your new financial institution of choice manages three stars or more.

→ Add up the pluses and minuses, make an executive decision and move your money into the new bank. Congratulations! You have successfully dumped the leeches who’d been bleeding you all this time.

Now, here are three tips (two of them easy, one not so easy) for maintaining a happy banking relationship.

The first one is, make it a point to say hello and generally behave in a happy and friendly way with your branch bank’s management. You want them to remember your name and face – in a positive way. That’s because, should you ever make a mistake and do something that triggers a rare fee, you are going to go to them, point out the sterling-ness of your banking history so far, and ask them to consider waiving that fee you just got, not really through any purposeful action on your part. Almost always, under such circumstances, they will waive the fee.

The second one is, if you start up a business, open a savings account, buy a certificate of deposit or seek an auto loan, shop around a little, write down the best deals you’ve found, and then go to your bank. Even if they can’t quite match the best deals you’ve found, if they are close, give them your business. And be sure and tell branch management that they weren’t the best deal available, but you like doing business with them. (If they aren’t in the ballpark, duh, don’t cut off your nose.)

The third and harder one is, to make sure you don’t have to worry about overdraft fees or other nasty banking surprises, keep an extra $1,000 in your checking account. But always, always, treat that $1,000 as if it is zero. This is hard because, first, who has an extra $1,000 in this recession? and second, you have to exhibit self-discipline to pretend there’s no money in the account when there really is.

But trust me, pump in the extra money gradually, never touch it once it’s in there, and you’ll live better for it.